By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
