The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
