i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
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Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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