girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
