i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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