He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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