I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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