also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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