Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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