A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
