Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night