Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..