i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
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