Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
