How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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