Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
