Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
