Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again