So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
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I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
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Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!