he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
