just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
