Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
