Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
