I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
