I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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