ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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