I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
