Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
