my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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