I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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