Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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