When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
