I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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