You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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