i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
