Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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