last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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