Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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