I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
