you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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