I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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