If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.