New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
