We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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