apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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