My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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