matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize