You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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