I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
