he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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