Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
