Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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