the condom got lost in my hair
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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