Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
