he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
