My liver just broke up with me...
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
