She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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