I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
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Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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